It isn’t often that two of my favorite pass times collide. The one that gets me through the winter (college basketball) and the one that gets me through work (public radio) occupy divergent ends of the entertainment spectrum. In Minnesota, however, nearly everything seems to be within one or two degrees of separation from public radio. After all, we invented it. So it shouldn’t have been a huge surprise that Garrison Keillor and his merry band of radio actors would dive head first into college basketball’s most storied and bitter rivalries during their show this weekend in Durham, North Carolina.
They sure did their research too. Listen here.
SS:I’m not talking to you, Tarheel.
FN (SOUTHERN): I got here first.
SS:I don’t even see you, Tarheel. You don’t exist. — I’m from Duke University, sir, don’t pay any attention to this peabrain —
FN (SOUTHERN): Why you—-
GK: What is it with you people? What’s all this ill feeling about?
FN (SOUTHERN): University of North Carolina has been here in Chapel Hill since 1789. They built Duke in 1924 and spent a lot of money on stone buildings to look old and they built a wall around it so people will think they’re special.
SS: We built Duke in 1924 because we thought it was time North Carolina had a real university and not a remedial high school.
FN: Remedial high school!
SS: This whole ridiculous rivalry comes down to a simple fact. Duke is a better school. Ask anybody who isn’t from North Carolina. It’s better in every way.
SS: What do you know?
FN (SOUTHERN): I used to have a son. He was flunking out of North Carolina so he transferred to Duke. I said, “Son, you put on that big D, you’re no longer related to me.” He got straight A’s at Duke — but unfortunately he became a hopeless drunk and got syphilis and he died from eating improperly prepared barbecue.
SS: That is a lie, sir.
FN (SOUTHERN): Absolute gospel truth. At Duke they know nothing about barbecue whatsoever.
SS: That is nothing but a lie.
FN (SOUTHERN): You calling me a liar?
SS: I believe I just did. At UNC they wouldn’t know barbecue from a meatball sandwich. They fry their barbecue in ketchup. That’s what they call sauce. It’s ketchup. They get it out of a bottle. It comes from up north. Barbecue like that, I wouldn’t feed it to my dog.
FN (SOUTHERN): Why you—- (FIGHTING, SCRATCHING, STRUGGLING, FADE INTO BRIDGE)