JF

On October 31, 1517 Martin Luther risked excommunication when he wrote a letter to Albrecht, Archbishop of Mainz and Magdeburg, stating that the Catholic church had lost its way. This selfless act, with its untold consequences for Luther, led to reforms within the Catholic church, and hymns that would soothe the souls of weary Norwegian bachelor farmers.

In October of 1541, Michaelangelo completed his last masterpiece, a fresco known as “The Last Judgement” depicting the second coming. Michaelangelo endured much criticism and judgement himself, as he pushed the boundaries of artistic expression.

On September 13, 1893, Concordia University in Saint Paul, MN was founded to teach students to live their lives dedicated to service to God and humanity. To this day, Concordia Uniersity strives to carry out this mission.

From 1974 through 1984, Richie Cunningham, with his industrious attempts to win the heart of women and his never-say-die dedication to the craft of literature provided ebullience to nation struck aghast in the face of stagflation, oil shocks, diminished geopolitical power, the birth and death of disco, Reaganism, and polyester.

In 1989, Randall Cunningham punted a football 91 yards. This feat, comparable only the Magellan’s near cirumnavigation of the globe, the completion of the great wall of China, and the Apolo program placing a man on the moon. With this prodigious conquest, he single-handedly gave hope to all punters that in America anything is possible, and they to could be rub first, pass second quarter back, and inspired all quarterbacks to practice their punting in the event that they suffer a rotator cuff injury.

On November 14, 2008, Michael Cunningham violated the unadulterated legacy of great institutions and greater men with loathsome display of skilless arrogance, embarrassing his team, his school, people whose name is similar to Michael, both living and dead, and Cunninghams everywhere.

How dare you sir. How dare you insult the 4th graders everywhere who have the gross motor skills enabling them to complete a behind the back dribble without having turn around to find that the ball only completed 45 degrees of the arc necessary for it to reach its other hand.  Shame on you.

Sir, how dare you attempt a pirouette resembling a failed triple axel, spiralling your sorry self into the ground faster than Sarah Palin’s falling approval ratings. This sir, is not ballet. Williams Arena is not the Bolshoi Theater, sir. And you are not Mikhail Baryshnikov, because Barysnikov was a lover of freedom, a small “D” democrat, and a patriot. You sir are a fascist. Your erratic and unseemly behavior up with which will not be put.

Not only did you insist on besmirching the dignity and desecrating that which gives joy to the countless, but you demonstrated that your autonomic nervous system is comparable to one Stanley Kowalski or Lennie Small. However, instead of sending Blanche DuBois into a perilous and eternal psychological spiral or murdering Curley’s wife, you attempted a heinous and diabolical assault on one Al Nolen.

Yes, you were fouled hard, but this is not Parcheesi. If you had the power, would you nuke China if your wontons lacked the crispness of which you are accustomed? Would you initiate a genocide of grocery store baggers if a 15 year old accidentally broke one of your eggs. Sir, not I would certainly hope.

But it was legal, according to the infantile and lily-livered official, who certainly would have turned his back on the sack of Rome as if the Gauls were armed with water pistols. This is not the first such outrage that was perfectly legal. Justice was not on the side of the British as they invented modern concentration camps during the Boer War, nor was it on the side of US government as they experimented with Syphilis in Tuskegee. And it was certainly not just when Drew Pearson pushed off as time expired in the 1975 playoffs.

To salvage what little dignity you have left, to rescue the legacy of Lutherans, Lutheran schools, Michaels, Cunninghams, and your self, resign sir. You must resign sir. You are an embarrassment and a pariah. You are bereft of morals.

How dare you sir. Resign sir. Decency and justice demand you so to do!